Here lies Junkiness
May 2006 - July 2007

We’re just not here anymore. Junkiness, like so many Aaron Sorkin dramas, has been canceled.

We have our reasons. More importantly, we have lots more free time now. Subsequently, look for the Junkiness book this fall. Contact us to be added to our “Junkiness updates” email list.

Thanks for hanging out.
Sincerely,
The Junkiness Staff

P.S. - Did we mention we’ve got a blog for sale? $75,000 OBO.

She’s back and hotter than ever!!!

I know what you’re thinking - a JUNKINESS post inviting you to “come in Paris” can only mean one thing. But rest your dirty minds, I’m actually suggesting Paris Hilton come to the table and lend her mindblowingly undeserved celebrity status to a cause close to her heart (or the place where her heart should be).

I’m talking about criminal justice and overzealous prosecution based on prejudice. Hilton and crew cried foul not so long ago when her drunk driving sentence was carried out to the letter of the law (sort of). And whether you hate her or love her or couldn’t give a shit if she lives or dies, you knew about her “plight.” Everyone talked about it, blogged about it — Larry King and Barbara Walters indian wrestled over the first exclusive interview. And Paris emerged with a bible in one hand and a promise to use her fame for good in the other. So far she’s paid it forward with some new hair extensions, a couple of bikinis and some surfing lessons; she’s not exactly Bono (or even Sally Struthers).

So we invite Paris to make good on her promises and lend some attention to this bullshit Jim Crow era insanity going on in Jena, Lousiana. Here’s the lowdown:

On September 1, 2006-the morning after 3 black students attempted to integrate Jena High School’s playground by sitting in the traditionally all white area under a tree–three nooses were left hanging from the tree’s branches.

Racial tension rose–a series of fights broke out around town, a white man pulled a sawed-off shotgun on black students at a convenience store (they wrestled it away from him), and someone burned down most of the school. When the boys who hung the nooses were caught and the superintendent brushed it off as a “harmless prank,” every black student in school crowded under the tree in protest.

The District Attorney was called into the school to end the protest. Flanked by police officers he held a pen in the air and told them all, “I can end your life with the stroke of a pen.”

On December 4th, another fight broke out at school [an injured white student was sent to the hospital, but released later that day with no serious injuries] and the DA charged six black students with attempted second-degree murder. He wrote an open letter to the students in the town’s only paper that “when you are convicted, I will seek the maximum penalty allowed by law.”

The six teenagers are facing 80-100 years in prison without parole. They range in age from 15-17 years old.

One of the biggest problem the teens are facing is a lack of awareness. Thankfully, that’s where someone like Paris can actually make a difference. So we invite Paris, and all the bloggers, news crews and papparazi who covered every second of her recent trial, sentencing and imprisonment, to take action before the sentencing on July 31.

Lending your celebrity status to a political issue that affects lives? That’s hot.

The thrice-escaped convict shows French authorities who’s Boss.

Oh why didn’t we know about Slate’s action movie one-liner contest? Their readers came up with some good ones (”Consider this negative eBay feedback.”) but had we known in time we might have spent the better portion of the week crafting the most perfect in-your-face, drop-dead-cool action hero taglines of the 21st century - the kind of instant quotables that would make God himself spit out his popcorn and shout, “DAMN!” at the movie screen.

But we slept right through the whole thing, then spent an hour dicking around with these gems. Cherish them.

Control… Alt… Destroy

I CAN HAS KILLBURGER NOW?

Spoiler Alert! You die.

It’s my vengeance in a box.

REPLY ALL, BITCHES!!

Congratulations. You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Murder Victim.

Subway–Eat death.

Someone alert Gawker - you’re about to be spotted in Hell.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, KILL.

Like a “dogs fucking people” Google search, you’re about to get a lot of hits.

Guess you’re going to miss the Spice Girls reunion.

Tempting, but I think you’re going to die. Thank you, as always, John Warner.

I’m gonna hit you so hard your Second Life character is gonna feel it.

Looks like my foot just found your ass on match.com

ROFD

Drink THIS in, Powder. [machine gun sfx]

On the charge of you being alive in ten seconds, I the jury find you… Not Guilty!

Love is a battlefield.

Dad is great… gives us the chocolate death.

Goonies never say die. But you’re no Goonie.

I’ll half what she’s halving.

Your ass is a dish best served kicked!

You’re Tony Soprano and I’m an artsy fade to black.

Death: it’s what’s for dinner!

Video killed the radio star, and now I’m going to kill you.

They say Eskimos have a hundred words for snow. You’re about to have a thousand words for “ouch.”

Here’s a little number I like to call, “Killing You Softly With This Bomb.”

I just got the new issue of VICE. Your existence was listed as a ‘don’t.”

Your development is arrested.

Klaatu, barada, nikto, motherfucker.

(Nokia ringtone:) Dee de doo doo, Dee de doo doo, Dee de doo dooo Die!”

(Upon breaking a bad guy’s neck) Oh, snap!!

Larry Bird’s Johnson was found dead yesterday in a pair of shorty-shorts. The Celtic star’s penis and former First Lady will be remembered for its love of LBJ.

The disturbing underbelly of “glamorous” Hollywood life has once again been exposed in a shocking story of sex, degradation and awkward groping. When Paris Hilton got arrested we, as a society, didn’t blink an eye. But when one of America’s most beloved stars — a universal ambassador of the ideals this country was founded upon — is arrested for mauling one of our most treasured and beautiful icons, we are forced to ask ourselves, “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHILDREN?!!!!”

Chewbacca… is accused of sexually assaulting Marilyn Monroe… in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie[e] then reportedly evaded arrest, police said.

According to an officer with the LAPD, Chewbacca allegedly took the platinum-coiffed actress’s hand and placed it on his private parts as the characters performed for tips from tourists.

Representatives for Chewbacca claim the lecherous gropes were part of a long-term lusty affair in which Monroe was a willing participant. According to Chewie, she began the foreplay earlier that day when she pressed his head toward her groin and demanded, “Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don’t care what you smell!”

Most of the Wookiee’s former castmates declined comment. However, one droid (who wished to remain anonymous) told JUNKINESS that a history of sexual aggression has plagued the actor for decades, and is well known to be the main reason he was denied a medal of valor during a 1977 ceremony.

Music-lovers’ wet-mare, Avril Lavigne is denying allegations that her song Girlfriend was ripped off from the 1979 Rubinoos song “I Want To Be Your Boyfriend.” Lavigne stated:

I had never heard this song in my life…. Simply put, I have been falsely accused of ripping their song

Ooh, this is a tough one. On the one hand, Lavigne has absolutely no talent so its hard to believe she could write something without ripping it off. On the other, she’s so musically retarded, she doesn’t know who David Bowie is so odds are slim she’s aware of an obscure 70’s band. Hmmmm…..

Wait! I know. The half-talent that this no-talent employs to ghost-write her crap, probably ripped it off. I knew I could figure it out!

P.S. Apologies to any 14 yr old girls or Junkiness editors who were offended by this post. 

When you’re looking for a protein bar, look no farther than Snickers Marathon. With flavors like Chocolate Nut Burst and Caramel Nut Rush, how can you resist? We think you’ll enjoy swallowing the entire line of Marathon Bar flavors, including:

Vanilla Jizz Bomb
Cherrie-jaculation
Nut-Butter Brickle
Chunky Baby Batter
Sploogberry Blast
Rocky Load
Glacial Facial
Kumquat
Chocolate Chip Ookie Cookie
Butterscotch Smegma
Delicious Nougat Almond Stain
Felch Swirl
Bukkake Nut Cluster
Skeet Squirt
Goo Juice Guzzle
Spunky Monkey
Almond Joy
Cummy Bears
Semen**

**Contains artificial flavoring

According to People, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling broke down in tears as she finished writing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

“I was in a hotel room on my own. I was sobbing my heart out,” she tells the BBC’s Jonathan Ross. “I downed half a bottle of champagne from the mini-bar in one and went home with mascara all over my face. That was really tough.”

When reached for comment, Britney Spears rolled her eyes and said, “Mascara all over your face? Please. Call me when you’re covered in blood and semen and you’re not sure which one is from your infant son and which is from the Puerto Rican truck driver you met in a Wendy’s parking lot.”

Daniel Radcliffe is not above having sex with his Harry Potter groupies.

“Girls who want to go out with me just because I’m famous has never been a problem. I’m 17. I don’t care.”

He said: “People do call me Harry. If there’s another person in the room called Harry and somebody shouts their name I do respond slightly, which is embarrassing. But no one has ever said it in the throes of passion. That would be the end of that session. Go now!”

You know who does like to be called “Harry Potter” during sex?

Vladimir Putin, whose winning smile you can’t help but love, further cemented his diplomatic legacy when he managed to secure the rights to host the 2014 Winter Olympic Games in the Black Sea resort city of Sochi:

International Olympic Committee members credited Putin’s personal lobbying for the 51-47 victory that put the 2014 games in Sochi, a Black Sea resort where the snow-capped Caucasus mountains rise from some of Russia’s warmest beaches.

In related news, the members of the Olympic selection committee did not die of radioactive Polonium poisoning.

[Cross-posted from WULAD.]